


grace of gravity, weight of stone

by TechnicalTragedy



Series: twin skeletons [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of dissociation, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:06:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7537486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been months since Vax last saw Percy. It's both too long and not long enough.</p><p>(Right now, he's pretty sure it's almost too late.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	grace of gravity, weight of stone

**Author's Note:**

> hey. it's been a rough few days for me so i may have vented just a little bit. this fic deals with tough stuff (seriously please read the tags) and if any of what is listed sounds potentially triggering for you i urge you to trust your instincts and not read this fic.
> 
> also in case it isn't really clear the Clasp is a bar Vax works at in this universe.
> 
> title is from [You Are the Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WJKiUW3kOI) by The Hush Sound

When Vax finds Percy after his late shift at the Clasp, his white hair is in disarray (more so than usual) and his hands are shaking worse than Vax has ever seen them. Not only that, but he's sitting against the wall right outside of Vax's apartment, almost entirely across town from where Percy actually lives.

 

“Percival?” he says.

 

Percy's head snaps up, eyes wide but unseeing, trained on Vax but seeing past him, through him (no, no, Percy sees Vax, he sees Vax with blood pouring from his mouth his eyes his ears his nose, he sees Vax grinning at him with a mouthful of needles and black holes for eyes, he sees smoke and dark tendrils pulling Vax down into the floor and through the earth, he sees Vax die over and over and over – and over and over and over and over and it never ends why won't it stop – again and he screams without words but-). “Vax,” he says (chokes out).

 

“You,” Vax says, stops (Percy looks distant he looks fucked up what the hell is wrong with him? is he drunk? is he fucking high? Vax knows Percy and Keyleth sometimes smoke pot together but this looks different, this isn't reddened eyes and clinging skunk-scent this is something else, something more dangerous but he isn't sure for whom). “Are you alright, Percy?”

 

(It can't be Vax because Vax doesn't call him Percy Vax doesn't look at him with concern and reach for him Vax doesn't fucking love Percy and it makes Percy cry sometimes when he's feeling weak and right now he feels fucking weak he feels like if he's touched he'll shatter into a million pieces but not-Vax is reaching out with furrowed eyebrows and-) Percy flinches away from the hand Vax tries to put on his forehead. “No,” he says. “You're not real.”

 

Vax frowns. “I'm perfectly real. What are you doing here so late?”

 

“Stop fucking _pretending_ ,” Percy bites out, teeth bared in a snarl. “Go away! Leave me alone, you aren't real!” (This Vax melts, that one freezes, one smiles wider wider too wide splitting his cheeks cracking his face and Percy closes his eyes against it because his nightmares are manifesting and he can't understand, he doesn't know why this is happening to him.)

 

Vax makes contact (Percy's wild mind slows, hyperfocusing on that one point of solidness, of warmth; shadows recede and give way to the feeling of being touched carefully). Percy breathes deep and reopens his eyes. He doesn't look crazed anymore, doesn't look this close to falling over some edge only he can see.

 

“Hey,” Vax says.

 

(It cuts through the remainder of the fog, clarifying almost too-much, all the jagged fractals of his vision coalescing into Vax with a hand on Percy's shoulder, giving him a confused, pitying, scared look.) “Vax,” Percy says again, this time relieved.

 

Vax sits, keeping his hand on Percy's shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

 

Percy lays his hand over Vax's (contact, yes; Keyleth touches him when he's too far in his own head, pulling him back out of his own darkness). “Better. I, I'm sorry you had to find me like this.” He looks around himself and has a moment of pure and utter panic when he doesn't immediately recognize his surroundings.

 

“Well, you're at my apartment, so I think I would've found you sooner or later,” Vax says. He's trying to be gentle but isn't entirely sure how to treat this situation (he knows how to deal with panic attacks, has been dealing with both his own and Vex's since their mother died and they ran away from their father, but he doesn't know what this is, what this means).

 

Percy blinks at Vax. “Your apartment?” He looks around again, taking more in this time, and realizes he does know this as the hallway in Vax's building. Percy takes a deep breath, reassured. He squeezes Vax' hand and looks back to him.

 

Vax wets his lips, sees Percy tracking the motion with his eyes. It makes something unfamiliar curl in his gut, some odd combination of interest and disgust (not at Percy, no, but himself for having the audacity to feel any kind of interest when Percy is obviously in a bad place). “Here, come inside, since I'm not about to let you stay in this hall,” Vax says.

 

They stand (Percy mostly leaning on Vax, who tenses under the heavy weight because _damn_ Percival must be hiding a lot of bulk under his layers of clothing) and make their way into Vax's tiny, shitty, drafty apartment that he can't fucking _wait_ to get out of.

 

“You wanna take your coat off?” Vax asks (because even if his apartment does get drafty it's the height of summer and Percy's still got his damned blue coat on, the one he never seems to take off anymore, even though he must sometimes because it never smells like weed and the silver buttons are always shined to within an inch of their lives).

 

Percy fiddles with the cuffs of his coat, really looking like he's thinking hard about it. Finally, he shrugs the coat off his shoulders and places it on the back of a dining chair in such a way that it won't get wrinkled (people roll their eyes at this particular _thing_ of Percy's often, not understanding his absolute need to keep the coat in as perfect condition as he can). Vax doesn't ask about it, roll his eyes, laugh, or even sigh, just watches and then gestures to his threadbare, sagging sofa in an obvious invitation for Percy to sit. Percy obliges.

 

Silence reigns for several minutes as Vax gets his work clothes off. He always ends up reeking of booze when he gets home from the Clasp, something Vex had complained about to no end back when they lived together (if Vax is being honest, it had always been something he almost-sort of looked forward to when he came home. Vex complaining at him was familiar and safe and made him feel less lonely, but ever since she'd moved out to live with her girlfriends, Zahra and Keyleth, and took Trinket with her, Vax has been coming home to an empty, shitty apartment smelling like cheap alcohol).

 

Vax falls onto the couch next to Percy, the springs squealing in protest. Percy sucks in a breath like he's going to speak, then sighs and doesn't say anything. In the years Vax has known Percy, he's never once been at a loss for words.

 

But tonight's made him think that maybe he doesn't know Percy as well as he thinks he does (as well as he used to, he means).

 

“Now, you don't owe me an explanation for what happened earlier,” Vax prefaces, not looking at Percy but picking at his ragged nails, “but I would like to ask if you're alright.”

 

Percy doesn't say anything for a long moment. “Not really,” he says. “I've been in a bit of a downward spiral for, um, a while.” (His friends look at him with disgust and horror because he fucked up, and he fucked up big time. Keyleth asks him to move out and swears it isn't because of _that_ but Percy knows she's lying at least a little bit; even Pike looks at Percy with something new swimming in her eyes and she tries so hard to cover it up but Percy is perceptive even when he's spending five days a week getting drunk off his ass and sobbing himself to sleep like a fucking child.)

 

Vax risks a glance over at Percy, and finds Percy staring back at him. Knowing he's caught, Vax drops the pretense of messing with his nails and gives Percy his full attention. “Well, you know, you can talk to me anytime. I know we aren't as close, since, ah,” (Vex bleeding, Vex's heartbeat faint, the EMTs taking too long to respond, Vax screaming at Percy because it's his fault, _his fucking fault_ that Vex is dying on the floor of his hellish dungeon workshop and what the _fuck_ kind of shit is he even putting together down here that would explode like that?) “you know. But I can be a very good listener.”

 

Percy exhales, and Vax realizes belatedly that that was supposed to be a laugh. “I know you don't like me much anymore, you don't have to pretend to care for propriety's sake.”

 

“I do care!” Vax insists, maybe a bit too vehemently.

 

“I've made my peace with that fact that we'll never be what we were, Vax,” Percy says (it isn't quite convincing enough). “I understand, and I don't blame you.”

 

Vax turns to Percy with his whole body, hiking one leg up onto the sofa so he can face Percy directly. “I _care_ , Percival. Yes, what happened happened, but it was an accident, I know that now. And, fuck, you've been a friend of mine for almost five years now and I don't want to give up on one of the best friends I've ever had.”

 

Percy's jaw clenches as he looks away, closing his eyes briefly (he sees Vex bleeding out, Vax's fury, Keyleth's quiet resentment, his own nightmares where Vex is dead Vax is dead Keyleth Grog Pike Scanlan are dead, he sees his blood family and his choice family in ruins around him and knows it's all his fault).

 

“You can tell me, Percy,” Vax says.

 

That's what does it.

 

“You want to know?” Percy asks (his voice is quiet as death and flat as it).

 

Vax swallows. “Whatever you want me to know.”

 

Percy nods, and finally looks back at Vax. He isn't sure when this conversation escalated to this point, but the words are bubbling in his chest and he figures he needs to tell _someone_. “I want to die,” Percy says plainly. “I fucking _detest_ myself, not just for almost killing your sister, but for everything I've ever done in my whole life. My existence is my greatest regret. I own the gun that killed my family and I'm cursed with the knowledge that I'm the one who inspired the design of it. Sometimes I hold it in my hands and fantasize about blowing my goddamn brains out and it sounds almost overwhelmingly appealing. My sister hasn't spoken to me in years because she knows I'm at fault for killing our family. Keyleth kicked me out because of what I did to Vex. I have scars on my arms,” he rips his long sleeves up, exposing the mottled, mangled flesh, “from that day in the workshop and sometimes I take a knife to them to make sure they don't fade. I have recurring nightmares of everyone I love dying, and I've started to lose track of time and place and my own identity.”

 

Vax stares at Percy, shell-shocked. He'd known about Percy's self-worth issues, anyone with eyes could tell, but _fucking hell_ he hadn't known it was to this point. “Percy,” he says, because is there really anything to say to everything he's just heard?

 

The sleeves are pushed back down roughly, over wounds that look fresh, and Vax watches Percy's throat bob as he gulps. “Now you know.”

 

“I,” Vax says, then takes a second to think about what he's going to say. “I'm so fucking sorry, Percival. We – _I_ – have been so shitty and thoughtless these past few months. Fuck, I'm so, so sorry.” He grabs at Percy's hands, clutches onto them and tries to make Percy meet his eyes. “Hey. I love you very much. We all love you _so much_ , Percy, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I will do everything in my power to make sure you know that, going forward. You've been having to deal with all this shit alone and fuck, I'm so glad you came to me, even if it was unintentional. I promise you, _I promise you_ , that I will be here for you, whenever you need.”

 

“I don't need you,” Percy snaps. “Or your fucking pity.”

 

Vax makes a noise of disbelief, squeezing Percy's hands tighter. “Pity? Percy, no. I don't pity you, I care deeply for you. Gods, you are worth so much more than what you think.”

 

Percy scoffs, “You'd be glad if I was dead. You wouldn't have to put up with my shit anymore.”

 

“I would be absolutely fucking _wrecked_ if you died,” Vax says. Percy's eyes dart to him, and Vax presses his advantage, “You're so clever, Percy, but you can't see that we love you? All of us – me, Vex, Keyleth, Grog, Scanlan, Pike, Zahra, Kash, even Gilmore – would all be devastated. You are so, so loved, and I can't even begin to imagine a life without you in it in some capacity.”

 

Percy shakes his head, “I don't deserve that, none of that is true.”

 

“None of it is your fault, Percy. None of it. Not Vex, not your family. There are evil, truly, horribly _bad_ people in this world, and you don't even come close,” Vax insists. (He remembers sitting with Percy in his workshop the night before Vex, watching him toil away and saying, “I believe you are a good man,” and Percy had believed him.) Vax kisses Percy's knuckles, notices for the first time the mostly-faded bruises. “You are a good man, and a good friend, and you deserve all our love, all your love, and more.”

 

Percy's hands clench, fingers folding over Vax's as he hangs his head. He shudders, and Vax pulls him in close, wrapping around Percy as much as he can and holding him, pressing feather-light kisses into his hair and whispering words of praise and affection.

 

“I don't want to feel worthless,” Percy says once the sobbing has subsided. He's still shaking, but Vax is around him, holding him tight like he worries Percy will shake apart.

 

Vax presses his cheek to the top of Percy's head (he's not entirely sure how Percy's long, lanky frame even fits neatly on top of his own like this). “You're worth everything.”

 

“Certainly not everything,” Percy tries to say with humor, but his voice is thin.

 

Vax full-body squeezes him. “Everything,” he promises.

 

Eventually Percy goes still and his breathing steadies (he dreams of Vax, not with blood on his face but with tears in his eyes, pressing kiss after kiss into Percy's skin and it's peaceful, lovely, more than he could possibly deserve).

 

Vax doesn't let Percy go. He doesn't plan on ever making that mistake again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i yell about critical role sometimes on [tumblr](http://aramente.tumblr.com)


End file.
